The Videogame Sequel Doctor punches up Tears of the Kingdom

“I’m tellin' you, this movie should write itself”

Okay, everyone, Tears of the Kingdom. I'm telling you, this game... Should write itself. The first one was an instant hit, sold 29 million copies... This should be pretty straightforward. Basically, we're doing a simple thematic evolution on the original game. We want to do all the stuff with the exploration and the... Uh, can we help you?

“My name is Star Magic Jacku-San”

I'm sorry. Let me introduce myself. Hi y'all! My name is Star Magic Jacku-San. I'm the videogame sequel doctor. So Furukawa-San just brings me in to oversee things when they about to doki doki a panic. So that's why I'm here, but don't mind me. I'm just gonna be over here, y'all do your thing. It's your game.

Okay. Let's bainstorm. Adam?

So it's going to involve the Zonai, so why don't we make the labyrinths bigger?

Okay, hold on a second! I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to step in here, just one second... So what's wrong with y'all? Y'all are looking like a bunch of seedless Koroks. this is Z2, people! We making Tears of the Kingdom. This should be a party, with dancing and maracas! Come on! Lift up the spirits! Okay... I'm gonna put a little bit of Goron Spice into the mixture here... What if we did this? Everyone adds a feature to the game.

Uh, the game already has a lot of features...

We're playing the Song of Brainstorms, not the Elegy of Brain-Emptiness, sweet pea, okay? Shut your mouth for a second. Look, here's the thing... None of this is final!

What, so you mean, like, what if there were, like, caves to explore?

You talking about caves dotting the countryside, dozens of them, nestled into cliffsides and grottoes, each of which was full of mystery and treasure, and each of which housed a magical creature that gave you a special gem that you collected to complete a game-long quest of discovery and exploration? That's brilliant, it's in the game, done.

Whoa, whoa, you said nothing was final!

That was before I heard "caves" and "explore" in the same sentence together, it's done, I love it, it's in the game. Next.

Link staring down a Bubbulfrog in a cave.

What about, uh, groups as bosses?

You're talking about giving a life bar at the top of the screen to a gaggle of gremlins, having Link take on a whole pile of monsters at once, cleaving them in twain, using all the tools at his disposal, doing a body-rush like he's back in Hyrule Warriors, until one is left hiding behind a bush and he has to hunt it down like a pointy-eared Terminator? Hell yeah, we are cooking with rock salt now, I love it, it's in the game, next.

Link facing down a group of monsters in Lurelin village

Could we bring back some classic monsters?

You mean Lynel wasn't enough, you want to take on a Gohma, you want to round a corner and have a Like-Like coming at you, you want the sky to darken and Link looks up and a Goddamn Gleeok is coming down on you, three heads a-snappin', pissin' your pants like you're five again in feety pajamas, yes, yes, yes I love it so much it's not only in the game, it's definitely in the game, no takebacks, next.

Link vs. a Gleeok, three heads glowering menacingly at him from above

What about sky islands?

So you're the one. You're the one person who liked Skyward Sword? You want more of that? You want Link hopping island to island, soaring over Hyrule, leaping down into the action from anywhere, dropping like the fist of an angry god on a Bokoblin's head, well pack your parachute because they're back and they're in the game. Next!

Iconic image of Link diving through the sky, past islands floating, with Hyrule spread out before him

An underworld!

Are you talking about a Legend of Zelda 1-style underworld, exactly the same size as the overworld, a map that Link can explore every corner of, a vast chasm where the forces of evil have taken root? Sir, you are doubling the size of the map team's work. They will die. The map team will die. You will be murdering them.

Oh, I hadn't thought of...

So dry clean your suit and get ready to attend some funerals because it's in the game. Next!

Link exploring a plain in the Depths, three skeletal horses visible in the distance

Well my kid's into Minecraft, I think maybe... building things?

You just naming features in other games, like you forgot to write your essay for high school and you're scribblin' it on the bus. It's lazy. It's lazy and thoughtless, and it's working. You are talking about giving players the power to build their own machines and vehicles, to build their own weapons... You know what happens when we do that, don't you? You've seen the Smash Bros. levels? You know how many dicks and balls players are gonna build and force a Moblin to deep-throat 'em? Well you're gonna, because it's in the game. Next!

Link looking at a giant humanoid figure with an extremely large dick spitting flame.

Players liked fighting alongside champions, what if you could do that all the time?

You mean you didn't get enough of Hot Prince Sidon, you want him with you all the time, you want your fish boytoy havin' your back at every moment, watchin' out for you, roaming over the hills and dells of Hyrule, you want the AI team to pull sleepless nights figuring out how every champion will fight against every monster, well get ready to see microkitchens full of modafinil because it's in the game. One more!

Prince Sidon summoning his sage avatar, a dark-blue version of himself that accompanies Link.

Well, I uh... I always thought...

Spit it out, buttercup, no bad ideas here.

Not true.

Well, I think, maybe, Ganon could be, y'know... hot...

Oh, come on!

Hold up. Are you telling me. You think Ganon. The Demon King. The Scourge of Hyrule. The King of Thieves. The Prince of Darkness. Ol' Pigface himself. You think he should be... sexy?

.... yes?

You, sir... Are a madman. You've never even heard of Rule 34. You're imagining an oiled-up, half-bare-chested Ganon, rippling with muscles, the world at his feet, his eyes smouldering with greed and lust... we pull in Matt Mercer, the master of velveteen-voiced villainy, for the English audio... It's genius. It's art. You know what you like. You know what the people like, don't ever let this industry take that away from you. He's in the game.

Hot Ganondorf.

That's it! I don't even care anymore, we've got sexy Ganon, so it's done. I don't have any more time, so let me just recap right now, it's caves, boss groups, classic monsters, sky islands, a whole underworld, build your own vehicles, champions always with you, and at the end of it all you beat Hot Ganon with your giant meat-bat you constructed, I'm just going to throw one out there myself: importing your horses from the previous game, I want to ride the horse that ended the Calamity straight up Ganon's asshole, it's perfect, thank you, it's all going to be in the actual game. Now I got to go prep up another Splatfest theme, we're doing boxers, briefs, or commando, Sayonara y'all!

Okay. Y'all know that none of that is going to be in the actual game.

All of that is in the actual game.